it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize