I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
