overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
