I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize