I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
