My liver just broke up with me...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
