If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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