call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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