I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
