my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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