remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
