i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
