She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize