I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
