Just fell off a train. Bad.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize