I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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