I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
