I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
she told me i tasted like america
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
