Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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