Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
