what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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