I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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