You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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