he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
