she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
