Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
