There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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