How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
