do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
