Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
