I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wish they made helmets for livers.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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