It's Friday. Sex?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
3pm strippers are depressing
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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