We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
