Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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