you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
