Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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