How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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