I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
