I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
