I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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