Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Randomize
