I skipped work to stalk him.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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