I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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