I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
