remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
