This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize