I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
