I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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