You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
