there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
