Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
