I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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