I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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