One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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