did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
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