before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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