just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
