Ambien. No doubt about it.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
