You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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