just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
